If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
