these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
