I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
