Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
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