i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
