I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
