if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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