My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
