When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i think my cat just said my name.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
