I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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