shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
why do cheetos always look like penises
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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