my being single is dangerous.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
