Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
