There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
