I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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