Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
