He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
