Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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