did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
