come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
