I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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