I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
