She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
