Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
