so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
