my mouth tastes like poor choices
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
