My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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