she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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