I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
