she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
