I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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