I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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