What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
