I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
