This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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