I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
