trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
