I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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