The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
