woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
