i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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