We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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