I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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