WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
