'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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