I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
even my farts smell like vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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