I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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