i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
