Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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