There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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