I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Hippo gnu deer
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
