Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
