Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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