At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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