I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize