your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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