Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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