I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
