Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
