Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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