Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
