Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
