I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
