before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
