Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
