I seem to have left my pride at pride
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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