I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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