The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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