I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize