The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
