we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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